Sigh

So, it's been awhile.

Since the last update, many a times I have had ideas pop up in my head, like I should blog about this /that. But life seems to get in the way, I have either been too busy or tired.

Today, I finally had the chance to put some thoughts into words. Not because I am on a week's leave and so I have this liberty of time now, but rather, it is the only time I have now, that my son is finally napping at 2pm, having missed his morning nap because "is mommy really staying with me all day??" and the only way I can get him to nap is...a bath. I really wonder how they do it in school.

I have had kinda a shit day to say the least. :( its only 2 days into this leave and my stupid boss texts me to ask me when can I get back to work. Lol, my son is unwell and he needs me. Unless you're suggesting I bring my flu-ey boy to your school with all his germs and spread it there? No I am not coming back till his mc is over, which is till friday, the good doctor has ordered. She is saying how this is affecting her. But I am thinking that I am not paid enough for this. And the things she is asking me to come back to do are really things she can get done on her own. It is obvious she cannot run this pathetic school without me. I am literally running it like a principal when she is not in but not paid nearly enough. The reality of the situation is 1.6k take home pay. Yup, I have put it out there now. Its peanuts for the world to see.

Anyway, this has gotten me all riled up internally and my son somehow could sense it. And he acted out, and I scolded him as he was crying in frustration. And that made me all the more mad at myself. SIGH. Its not his fault at all. I tried to keep it in, but I guess he could sense it in my distraction, when I had to reply my boss when we were in the middle of playing (he hates that I use my phone when interacting with him) , and perhaps my distracted tenseness. He got frustrated probably because he didn't know what's bothering me and why mommy doesn't seem fully interested in playing with me anymore, I would too. I am so sorry, son. If only mommy could be good at one thing, that is just to be your mommy, huh? ;(

Find another job? I did go for an interview but that sent alarm bells ringing throughout because that was one dodgy boss. And the last thing he said I should "focus on motherhood if my drive is not to climb the ladder." It confirmed my thought that all bosses would want me to stay home then.

Maybe I should. And the texts from my ungrateful boss this morning is kinda drilling it in. Maybe I should focus on the home and my son. He can start kindergarten when it is time, like nursery when he is 3 years old. And meanwhile, he attend "Mommy-school" Where he gets one-on-one attention to learn and grow. It is not that his school has been in any way lacking, in fact, it has been excellent and I don't think I can find another school that is as good in this vicinity.

I am struggling and it is kinda depressing. I wish I knew what to do. Working definitely is not the answer. Maybe some moms can but I cannot lead this double life.

Yesterday broke me.

{This is going to be an informal post of a damn long rant}

I have been quite alright with this damned job since 2014. Even though I knew that once I signed that damn LOA, I will be severely underpaid for my qualifications since that day in December 2014.

I had started out in this company as a teacher, or trainee teacher-to-be. I love kids, I still do. However, once I had my own child in September 2015, priorities changed, passions changed. I wasn't loving my job anymore. My boss spoke to me and told me she could help me. Naively, I believed her. Now 4 months into this role, I see why. Nobody wanted this role. The pass admins came and left swiftly. The last one only stayed 6 months. Which was why I was needed.

Being her centre administrator is far from an easy job. Sure there are lull periods. But it is her as boss that makes it unbearable. As it is starting to show. She is a principal who runs 2 centres. So she is hardly in this centre 60% of the time. So basically, it is I who is running the damned school like I am principal but not paid enough for the amount of crap I have to take from her.

Yesterday, just because a parent was upset at her, she took it all out on me. She was not there when the parent was here, asking for "WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!"I could only do so much to appease him. Can you possibly ask an angry customer to stay and wait for the boss when he really wanted to storm off?? I did try, he stormed off.

So did I not try hard enough? I did not want to anger him further.

It was only a few minutes later that she came in. Seeing that she was busy, I let her settle down wanting to tell her what had happen when she has settled down as it is not good news. Then she looked at her phone and apparently saw a missed call from that parent and started yelling at me saying why couldn't I have told him to wait and let her know that he came down? and said to me "YOU ARE MAKING MY LIFE MORE DIFFICULT."

what the freakin hell.

I make your life more difficult? Have you seen difficult? Difficult would be when I do not show up to work to run your damn school. Difficult would be if I was an administrator who did not have the integrity or even the motivation to do work when you're not around 60% of the time anyway. Difficult would be what I will definitely be making your life if I so choose to throw in my letter of RESIGNATION. BECAUSE THEN YOUR LIFE WOULD BE HELL. You will now have to run both schools without an admin on both sides. And then recruit a brand new person into this company who does not know shit about the system and everything and train him/ most likely a her from scratch, while trying to juggle both schools. Is this how you treat your one and only right hand? This is not the first time she has made me feel like I am such a fool/failure/stupid/incapable. It is very depressing really.

Being so unappreciated just makes me want to leave this damn company all the more. It is just one more push factor. I am underpaid PLUS working with an unappreciative boss right now. The only factor making me stay is the convenience of this work location, which is really close to my son's school and home.

I really do not know what to do now. I really want to leave, I am absolutely miserable working here. I feel like this will be the death of me. This is not how I want to live my life.