Sigh

So, it's been awhile.

Since the last update, many a times I have had ideas pop up in my head, like I should blog about this /that. But life seems to get in the way, I have either been too busy or tired.

Today, I finally had the chance to put some thoughts into words. Not because I am on a week's leave and so I have this liberty of time now, but rather, it is the only time I have now, that my son is finally napping at 2pm, having missed his morning nap because "is mommy really staying with me all day??" and the only way I can get him to nap is...a bath. I really wonder how they do it in school.

I have had kinda a shit day to say the least. :( its only 2 days into this leave and my stupid boss texts me to ask me when can I get back to work. Lol, my son is unwell and he needs me. Unless you're suggesting I bring my flu-ey boy to your school with all his germs and spread it there? No I am not coming back till his mc is over, which is till friday, the good doctor has ordered. She is saying how this is affecting her. But I am thinking that I am not paid enough for this. And the things she is asking me to come back to do are really things she can get done on her own. It is obvious she cannot run this pathetic school without me. I am literally running it like a principal when she is not in but not paid nearly enough. The reality of the situation is 1.6k take home pay. Yup, I have put it out there now. Its peanuts for the world to see.

Anyway, this has gotten me all riled up internally and my son somehow could sense it. And he acted out, and I scolded him as he was crying in frustration. And that made me all the more mad at myself. SIGH. Its not his fault at all. I tried to keep it in, but I guess he could sense it in my distraction, when I had to reply my boss when we were in the middle of playing (he hates that I use my phone when interacting with him) , and perhaps my distracted tenseness. He got frustrated probably because he didn't know what's bothering me and why mommy doesn't seem fully interested in playing with me anymore, I would too. I am so sorry, son. If only mommy could be good at one thing, that is just to be your mommy, huh? ;(

Find another job? I did go for an interview but that sent alarm bells ringing throughout because that was one dodgy boss. And the last thing he said I should "focus on motherhood if my drive is not to climb the ladder." It confirmed my thought that all bosses would want me to stay home then.

Maybe I should. And the texts from my ungrateful boss this morning is kinda drilling it in. Maybe I should focus on the home and my son. He can start kindergarten when it is time, like nursery when he is 3 years old. And meanwhile, he attend "Mommy-school" Where he gets one-on-one attention to learn and grow. It is not that his school has been in any way lacking, in fact, it has been excellent and I don't think I can find another school that is as good in this vicinity.

I am struggling and it is kinda depressing. I wish I knew what to do. Working definitely is not the answer. Maybe some moms can but I cannot lead this double life.

A Motherhood Soliloquy

Motherhood.

I look back at the couple that was us in 2008, fresh and young, I was still only 18 and he was barely just 21 when we got together. I wonder in awe how is it that right now, we are parents to one wonderful, amazing little boy called N who is exactly me, exactly my husband and exactly himself (most importantly), whom I absolutely adore. It is pretty amazing on hindsight, how far we have come. We have been so immensely blessed.

It is 2017 right now (March the 9th) as I am penning down my thoughts that have suddenly overwhelmed me. This is the year N turns 2, but in September, so we still have quite some time till then. Since I had him, I have gazed at him in my arms time and again, and wondered if he was going to be my only child. I wish with all my heart that it could be the case. Just N and mommy and daddy. A perfect family of 3. This family is already as complete as it can get! So much love to go around, plenty enough and just enough.

I have no colleagues who are currently pregnant with their number 2’s to observe in reality, and so I do not know how that will be like, being all pregnant and dealing with a feisty toddler, and then dealing with a newborn AND a toddler. In all honesty, I am afraid. Afraid of what an additional member would bring to the family dynamics, of us, of both our in-laws, now that we have sort of, finally, kinda found an equilibrium, after months of adjustments from all family members. It is a lot of work getting used to a new small person, new parents, and especially a new mother whose maternal instincts are just so strong and raw and had to, for the first time in her life, really put her foot down to what she wants and how she wants things done. And people had to listen, after all, nobody knows better than the baby’s momma! I was never this assertive pre-motherhood. I am glad its all worked out and the dust is finally settling down. This is our new normal, for all three new families. Two new families with their first grandchild, and the new core unit of the 3 of us. And I do not want to have to change that at all.

But lately.. yes there is always a but to it. I have played with him and watched him and wondered if it would do him good to have a sibling close in age (maximum 5 years age gap) to play and grow up with. He seems like a natural nurturer, protective even of his grandparents when we are out and about, making sure the whole group is walking together, or at least the last member is keeping up. Can you believe this, he is only 17 months old!? I remember that time when I brought him to the Cloud Forest at Gardens by the Bay, he told me to walk on the opaque pavement instead of the grilled part which was perfectly safe, but perhaps was slightly scary for him due to his newness in depth perception. My little young son, watching out for his mommy. How sweet? I am certain he will be a super awesome big brother.

But I worry about him feeling left out, feeling like his mommy doesn’t have the time nor the energy for him. Does mommy still love me? how do you let a toddler understand that even though mommy may seem tired, that she still loves him, that she yearns for the energy and time to play and connect with him one-on-one again like the good old days before Younger Sibling? Yes I worry about my energy levels having to deal with 2 kids on top of work?? I hope I do not have to be working by then, and just focus on home-making and parenting. Because as of right now, working and trying in vain to make a home homelier, and parenting a toddler is extremely hard work. I wish with all my heart that I can just focus on home-making and parenting because that is my heart’s greatest desire. Strange isn’t it? Pre-motherhood, I have dreamt of climbing up the career ladder, to be someone at the top, working in one of those tall buildings at one of the highest floors with floor to ceiling glass windows overlooking the whole of Singapore.. But once I gave birth, all I want is to be a home-maker and to parent to the best of my ability. I hate having to miss out on his daily hours from 8-5, where it is the majority of his awake hours, where he is doing the most discovering and growing(which is exponential at this age). I hate it very much. It adds to the ache now especially when he cannot really tell me about his day. I would love to be able to be home when he is older too, so that when he comes home from school, he can tell me all about his day, because that is when kids are the chattiest - when they are just done with school for the day.

All these thoughts and dreams and worries. SIGH. Perhaps one day, a few years down the road and a few more kids to the family line, I would re-read this soliloquy and wish I’d tell myself in the past (which is right now) that everything is going to be okay. This time-travel thing is insane.