A Motherhood Soliloquy

Motherhood.

I look back at the couple that was us in 2008, fresh and young, I was still only 18 and he was barely just 21 when we got together. I wonder in awe how is it that right now, we are parents to one wonderful, amazing little boy called N who is exactly me, exactly my husband and exactly himself (most importantly), whom I absolutely adore. It is pretty amazing on hindsight, how far we have come. We have been so immensely blessed.

It is 2017 right now (March the 9th) as I am penning down my thoughts that have suddenly overwhelmed me. This is the year N turns 2, but in September, so we still have quite some time till then. Since I had him, I have gazed at him in my arms time and again, and wondered if he was going to be my only child. I wish with all my heart that it could be the case. Just N and mommy and daddy. A perfect family of 3. This family is already as complete as it can get! So much love to go around, plenty enough and just enough.

I have no colleagues who are currently pregnant with their number 2’s to observe in reality, and so I do not know how that will be like, being all pregnant and dealing with a feisty toddler, and then dealing with a newborn AND a toddler. In all honesty, I am afraid. Afraid of what an additional member would bring to the family dynamics, of us, of both our in-laws, now that we have sort of, finally, kinda found an equilibrium, after months of adjustments from all family members. It is a lot of work getting used to a new small person, new parents, and especially a new mother whose maternal instincts are just so strong and raw and had to, for the first time in her life, really put her foot down to what she wants and how she wants things done. And people had to listen, after all, nobody knows better than the baby’s momma! I was never this assertive pre-motherhood. I am glad its all worked out and the dust is finally settling down. This is our new normal, for all three new families. Two new families with their first grandchild, and the new core unit of the 3 of us. And I do not want to have to change that at all.

But lately.. yes there is always a but to it. I have played with him and watched him and wondered if it would do him good to have a sibling close in age (maximum 5 years age gap) to play and grow up with. He seems like a natural nurturer, protective even of his grandparents when we are out and about, making sure the whole group is walking together, or at least the last member is keeping up. Can you believe this, he is only 17 months old!? I remember that time when I brought him to the Cloud Forest at Gardens by the Bay, he told me to walk on the opaque pavement instead of the grilled part which was perfectly safe, but perhaps was slightly scary for him due to his newness in depth perception. My little young son, watching out for his mommy. How sweet? I am certain he will be a super awesome big brother.

But I worry about him feeling left out, feeling like his mommy doesn’t have the time nor the energy for him. Does mommy still love me? how do you let a toddler understand that even though mommy may seem tired, that she still loves him, that she yearns for the energy and time to play and connect with him one-on-one again like the good old days before Younger Sibling? Yes I worry about my energy levels having to deal with 2 kids on top of work?? I hope I do not have to be working by then, and just focus on home-making and parenting. Because as of right now, working and trying in vain to make a home homelier, and parenting a toddler is extremely hard work. I wish with all my heart that I can just focus on home-making and parenting because that is my heart’s greatest desire. Strange isn’t it? Pre-motherhood, I have dreamt of climbing up the career ladder, to be someone at the top, working in one of those tall buildings at one of the highest floors with floor to ceiling glass windows overlooking the whole of Singapore.. But once I gave birth, all I want is to be a home-maker and to parent to the best of my ability. I hate having to miss out on his daily hours from 8-5, where it is the majority of his awake hours, where he is doing the most discovering and growing(which is exponential at this age). I hate it very much. It adds to the ache now especially when he cannot really tell me about his day. I would love to be able to be home when he is older too, so that when he comes home from school, he can tell me all about his day, because that is when kids are the chattiest - when they are just done with school for the day.

All these thoughts and dreams and worries. SIGH. Perhaps one day, a few years down the road and a few more kids to the family line, I would re-read this soliloquy and wish I’d tell myself in the past (which is right now) that everything is going to be okay. This time-travel thing is insane.

Yesterday broke me.

{This is going to be an informal post of a damn long rant}

I have been quite alright with this damned job since 2014. Even though I knew that once I signed that damn LOA, I will be severely underpaid for my qualifications since that day in December 2014.

I had started out in this company as a teacher, or trainee teacher-to-be. I love kids, I still do. However, once I had my own child in September 2015, priorities changed, passions changed. I wasn't loving my job anymore. My boss spoke to me and told me she could help me. Naively, I believed her. Now 4 months into this role, I see why. Nobody wanted this role. The pass admins came and left swiftly. The last one only stayed 6 months. Which was why I was needed.

Being her centre administrator is far from an easy job. Sure there are lull periods. But it is her as boss that makes it unbearable. As it is starting to show. She is a principal who runs 2 centres. So she is hardly in this centre 60% of the time. So basically, it is I who is running the damned school like I am principal but not paid enough for the amount of crap I have to take from her.

Yesterday, just because a parent was upset at her, she took it all out on me. She was not there when the parent was here, asking for "WHERE THE HELL IS SHE?!"I could only do so much to appease him. Can you possibly ask an angry customer to stay and wait for the boss when he really wanted to storm off?? I did try, he stormed off.

So did I not try hard enough? I did not want to anger him further.

It was only a few minutes later that she came in. Seeing that she was busy, I let her settle down wanting to tell her what had happen when she has settled down as it is not good news. Then she looked at her phone and apparently saw a missed call from that parent and started yelling at me saying why couldn't I have told him to wait and let her know that he came down? and said to me "YOU ARE MAKING MY LIFE MORE DIFFICULT."

what the freakin hell.

I make your life more difficult? Have you seen difficult? Difficult would be when I do not show up to work to run your damn school. Difficult would be if I was an administrator who did not have the integrity or even the motivation to do work when you're not around 60% of the time anyway. Difficult would be what I will definitely be making your life if I so choose to throw in my letter of RESIGNATION. BECAUSE THEN YOUR LIFE WOULD BE HELL. You will now have to run both schools without an admin on both sides. And then recruit a brand new person into this company who does not know shit about the system and everything and train him/ most likely a her from scratch, while trying to juggle both schools. Is this how you treat your one and only right hand? This is not the first time she has made me feel like I am such a fool/failure/stupid/incapable. It is very depressing really.

Being so unappreciated just makes me want to leave this damn company all the more. It is just one more push factor. I am underpaid PLUS working with an unappreciative boss right now. The only factor making me stay is the convenience of this work location, which is really close to my son's school and home.

I really do not know what to do now. I really want to leave, I am absolutely miserable working here. I feel like this will be the death of me. This is not how I want to live my life.

An Interview with a Mumprenuer

 What made you decide that this is the path that you should go?
As a modern day mother, there is no choice but to go to work to bring home some income for the family but we always want to spend time with our children. So there is always this dilemma. If there is an option of earning an income that allows you to spend more time with your children, will you take it up?

I have only worked in the corporate world for 4 years, 9-5 job is not for me because I believe I can earn more than the pay I am allocated. However, setting up a business is not as easy as we think. There is a lot more that we need to consider and handle such as marketing, sales, logistics, employees, the burden of it being a one-man show and also the risk of losing any personal asset(s).

Then, I became a self-employed under my husband in the sales profession. It was a good few years, we were earning good money, even though the lifestyle is work, meaning I work Mondays-Sundays, till late hours. But once I had children my priorities changed. I realized that this lifestyle did not suit me anymore. I needed to make time for my girls who are currently 2 and 3 years old. I do not want to miss any of their milestones and thus needed to search for another way to earn an income - A business that can earn me residual income.

The normal 8-5 job gives us a temporary active income. When we are still young and able, it’s all good, but what if one day *touch wood* you are unable to earn that income (retrenched, midlife crisis, illness)? For example, in your 40’s you get retrenched because your market value has already been reduced. Because given the same pay by then, your company can employ many younger ones for the same value.. what would you do then?

Initially this job will not give much, but if you really put in an effort and believe that you will be able to be successful, this job will give you a passive residual income in time to come. Imagine life in 10, 20, 30 years’ time.. do you want to continue slogging for an income, living paycheck to paycheck?

I do this because I want to spend as much time with my children, with my family, and earn a passive residual income.

I do this because I don’t want to face the risk of retrenchment, or the risk of losing money of actually owning a business.

  Becoming your own boss, will it not mean that you will become a workaholic, thus defeating the purpose of your original plan to spend more time with your family?
As this is an online business, there is no constraint on location, timing. Online means going onto online platforms like Facebook, which is the only platform I use. There is thus the flexibility of planning out my own day. Initially, there might be a need to spend more time on the business to get it up and running. But end of the day is time management and discipline.

Being employed for so long we are used to given tasks to do. But being your own boss, you need to plan your day very well, incorporate your family/children timing, work around that. Initially you might have some problem planning your time but I will help you with that, soon you will get the hang of it.

What is your Business all about and what makes this Business unique, sustainable in long term? What if in future, the market is saturated with businesses similar to yours, what then?
My business type is known as a network marketing business.

What makes this business unique: It is online, through social media. Everything is via facebook, even training, recruitment etc. Thus, I can do my business anytime and anywhere. It is definitely sustainable in long run.

This business is about seeking to help people improve their lives and health. The bigger your team, the bigger your income, hence if the market is saturated, it is definitely not a problem.

 As you said during our meeting, “Mumprenuers” are on the rise, what do you think will happen when this market is saturated? Will your business still be sustainable?
If I can encourage more mummies to join me, that will be excellent. To encourage more mummies to spend more time with their children and earn the income that they want. In the long run, it is a win-win situation. This business is about seeking to help people improve their lives and health. The bigger your team, the bigger your income, hence if the market is saturated, it is definitely not a problem.

 Can you describe what a normal day is like for you?
My schedule:
My daughters have their school in the afternoon. So I will wake up 1 hour earlier to plan the day and spend 15mins on self-development, another 10 on gratitude journalling and then planning my day. I will then spend around 2 hours with my children before sending them to school. While they are at school, I will focus on income producing activities for the 5-6 hours (i.e. posting on Facebook, communicating to my private community)

Anything else that you would like us to know about your work?
Don’t quit your day job if you were to start this business. Start this as a side income first to get the ball rolling, to see if this is the right fit for you. 

Fin.

What questions do you have, should you have an opportunity to speak with a mumprenuer? Leave a comment!😊