Am I doing this right?

Many times a day when I am mothering my toddler, I wonder if I am doing the right thing.

As I sit here in a fantastic nursing room in the flower dome, (that is supposedly under maintenance for forever, but I see no fault in it..other than the lock that isn't working..) because this is an emergency, he obviously needs nap #2 but would not go down (if not he would not want to eat a proper dinner and if that happens means I will be up at 1am and/or 4am feeding him porridge because he is hungry), mommy instincts tell me he needs the good old traditional lie-in-mommy's-arms-and-nurse-while-poking-her-face-till-I-pass-out kinda ritual. And true enough, he is snoring in my arms now. I take this opportunity to rest and breathe and regroup again. He had been stepping on my last frazzled nerve becoming increasingly whiny BUT REFUSING TO SLEEP BECAUSE IDK DAYS OUT WITH MOMMY ARE AWESOME OR WHAT?! I am so thankful for this place and moment in time right now.

Today did not go as planned. I had planned for us to visit the water playground children's garden at the Gardens by the Bay today. But waking to his runny-mucusy state this morning, I decided otherwise, better let him have alternative source of fun dry and indoors. So I did not pack in extra towels or a wetbag, just the usual extra sets of clothes and a jacket just in case.

After lunch and his nap #1, we went to the National Gallery where we saw an amazing artwork of a fairytale like jungle with a treehouse for kids to play in at the Keppel Centre of Art Education. Noah had a blast. I loved seeing how he ran around and explored after warming up to the place (meaning he clung to me and gripped my shirt like a koala). We played for about 30mins before he was tired and needed to nurse. He loved this place and we were sorry to leave it. I would definitely come back again.








So off we went, I walked and walked in hopes his sleepy eyes would close, but nope. He kept looking everywhere around him exclaiming "wow!" just to keep awake. So seeing that his nose has dried up, I decided we should go to the Gardens, while mulling over this decision on the way. Is this the right thing to do? He seems okay now, just tired. When we reached the Gardens he had that smile on his face which confirmed my decision. He was already having the best time!

I changed him out to cooler clothes for walking around and was still weighing if we should visit the water playground..then I thought "okay maybe we could go there and just look, he might not want to play afterall, given he is so tired.."








But he did!

But he did not want me to take off his shirt, leaving me worrying about him catching a cold. And I promptly dried him with his dry tshirt when he was done with this place. He only played for 15 minutes before hugging me and saying "all done, byebye fountain"😂

He whined nonstop as I was changing him out of his wet clothes and drying him off. Whined to nurse, whined to be tula-ed, then whined to be put down to walk which I did not allow. I chided him and then wondered if I was doing the right thing to scold him for whining. It definitely felt like he needed some a sharp tone of voice then to know that I do not condone whining. It is hell annoying!!! And then I found this place of solitude and he has been asleep for the past 50mins?

So we are here right now, and I am just pondering on how this day has progressed. Feeling like nothing really is in my control😂 I am glad I know just Whose hands my life is in and my each and every day..




On a happier note though.. I found lithops??!! I never thought I could find these in Singapore. Never dreamed. 😍 I bought...3 pots? (one of which Noah dropped after whining to hold one..and I got so mad at him, there was soil everywhere! and then of course doubted if I should have been so harsh🙄 I nearly did not want that pot anymore..but something kept drawing me back to it, like I had to have it. It was probably also the right thing to do because my son dropped it. Thankfully, the plants weren't damaged or anything, just lacking in some soil after the drop.) Hehe am planning to repot them to live altogether in a nice square pot when I get home. Can't wait!!

#toddlerlife

This is the face of a toddler who did not want healthy baby cereal for breakfast, but mommy's chiffon cake, and when finally given some because mommy is worried he would get hungry, DID NOT WANT IT ANYMORE.

This is the face of a toddler who did not want mommy's 爱心 minced meat, corn, carrot and peas porridge that was slow-cooked doubly to perfection BUT MOMMY'S CHICKEN RICE LUNCH.

This is also the face of a toddler who had terribly blocked nose yesterday and runny nose today,  hence mommy gave him the runny nose medicine which made him drowsy but has fought his morning nap, walking till his legs gave way and fought some more in the tula till it was 2pm and he is now finally out, after much walking and rocking and bouncing.

I have a fighter in my hands. While that makes me proud (because I know where he gets that from😏😎).. I cannot tell you how challenging this task of raising him right already is. I believe God only gives us what He knows we can handle. So with His strength, imma raise you right, sweet son of mine.

Pretending to be a sahm - A day in life

We went out today! Both of us needed the breather of fresh air and see something other than the four walls of our home sweet home.

We started our day early, having had ample rest. Breakfast for the toddler at 830am, followed by a nice shower for mommy while the toddler opens and closes the bathroom door to make sure that the bathroom isn't some kind of a transporter that will take mommy away into another universe😂 after my shower I got us ready and little one had to have a massive poop explosion that stained the sides of his romper😱 so he had to have a bath too, at the very last minute when we were almost leaving the house.

So into the bath he went. He did not like it one bit and complained the entire time until he was out in his towel and back in my arms. Maybe because I refused to carry him like I would normally BECAUSE I AM ALREADY IN CLEAN CLOTHES and carrying him like I normally would will definitely get me smelling like poop the entire day 😱and I didn't want to change already because you know, laundry, you know the struggle. Haha.  But I wasn't even mad! Not even close. I enjoyed that minor bump in the road to leaving the house can you believe it.

After the poop and bath drama, we were finally on our way out for Brunch at around 1030am. Noah napped on the way which was a good thing because if he did not he would not have the appetite for lunch.

Reached our lunch venue and he woke up just in time. While transferring him to the highchair I spilled some coffee on his shirt. And so had to change him out of it. Coaxed a few more mouthfuls of "rainbow rice" (basically brown and wild rice with alfalfa sprouts and a purple veg and salmon) and he was "full and all done" (loved that he signed).

And then off we went to pip's playbox. It was awesome because we were the only ones there!!😍 it was so peaceful and quiet. We loved it all to ourselves. And I was relieved too, because then he wouldn't be spreading any germs(they close to sanitize the entire place daily at around 3pm). Woohoo! Winning~

He played with wheels, the train tracks, the magnetic train cars, climbed up and down the stairs, skinned his big toe because he lost his balance but thats no biggie, did some coloring and played with straws. Even sat down for awhile to listen to me read aloud a book about cats. We had a lovely time.

And then I got thirsty. A mistake I made was to come here without a water bottle. And when a nursing momma is thirsty, she is desperately thirsty. Anyway by 130pm it was way past his 2nd nap time. So I bundled us up and off we went to get some boost juice, which he took some sips off before nursing and sleeping till now! 4pm😍






Quiet playtime~ where we could both hear ourselves think.




Knocked out😘

While he is out in lalaland, I had the opportunity to think and chat with a sahm on Facebook. I seriously envy their idyllic lifestyle. Her daughter is almost the same age as my little, maybe a few weeks apart, I forget. But that was how we came to know each other, from the Facebook group of mommies with babies in the same birth month if 2015.

I asked her about her expenses and what a day in life for her would be like. I loved that she told me so openly. I immediately screenshot our convo and telegrammed it to the husby. I desperately want this lifestyle. I am already imagining the possibilities of things to do and places we could go all over singapore that don't require an entrance fee. And that he could learn and broaden his horizons, other than being cooped up at school and home every day. So many (free) possibilities.

But alas. Husby's cpf alone will not suffice for now to support our damn hdb loan. I am on the verge of tears again.

It would definitely suck if by the time my dream can be made real, all these precious time in his toddlerhood would already be gone and lost forever. I would definitely make do with whatever time I am given, by the time this dream is made real..I am just hoping it is sooner.

Anyhoos. I'm still enjoying what's left of this idyllic week as a pretend sahm. I only wish it were for reals.

I am now waiting and hoping he can wake up from this nap already so that I can let him see some beautiful fountains(which are one of his favourite things) which are freeeee!! Hahahaha I might just enjoy finding free and cheap stuff for thrills.





So cheap?! Lol any cheaper you would have to boil it yourself😂

Sigh

So, it's been awhile.

Since the last update, many a times I have had ideas pop up in my head, like I should blog about this /that. But life seems to get in the way, I have either been too busy or tired.

Today, I finally had the chance to put some thoughts into words. Not because I am on a week's leave and so I have this liberty of time now, but rather, it is the only time I have now, that my son is finally napping at 2pm, having missed his morning nap because "is mommy really staying with me all day??" and the only way I can get him to nap is...a bath. I really wonder how they do it in school.

I have had kinda a shit day to say the least. :( its only 2 days into this leave and my stupid boss texts me to ask me when can I get back to work. Lol, my son is unwell and he needs me. Unless you're suggesting I bring my flu-ey boy to your school with all his germs and spread it there? No I am not coming back till his mc is over, which is till friday, the good doctor has ordered. She is saying how this is affecting her. But I am thinking that I am not paid enough for this. And the things she is asking me to come back to do are really things she can get done on her own. It is obvious she cannot run this pathetic school without me. I am literally running it like a principal when she is not in but not paid nearly enough. The reality of the situation is 1.6k take home pay. Yup, I have put it out there now. Its peanuts for the world to see.

Anyway, this has gotten me all riled up internally and my son somehow could sense it. And he acted out, and I scolded him as he was crying in frustration. And that made me all the more mad at myself. SIGH. Its not his fault at all. I tried to keep it in, but I guess he could sense it in my distraction, when I had to reply my boss when we were in the middle of playing (he hates that I use my phone when interacting with him) , and perhaps my distracted tenseness. He got frustrated probably because he didn't know what's bothering me and why mommy doesn't seem fully interested in playing with me anymore, I would too. I am so sorry, son. If only mommy could be good at one thing, that is just to be your mommy, huh? ;(

Find another job? I did go for an interview but that sent alarm bells ringing throughout because that was one dodgy boss. And the last thing he said I should "focus on motherhood if my drive is not to climb the ladder." It confirmed my thought that all bosses would want me to stay home then.

Maybe I should. And the texts from my ungrateful boss this morning is kinda drilling it in. Maybe I should focus on the home and my son. He can start kindergarten when it is time, like nursery when he is 3 years old. And meanwhile, he attend "Mommy-school" Where he gets one-on-one attention to learn and grow. It is not that his school has been in any way lacking, in fact, it has been excellent and I don't think I can find another school that is as good in this vicinity.

I am struggling and it is kinda depressing. I wish I knew what to do. Working definitely is not the answer. Maybe some moms can but I cannot lead this double life.