Sigh

So, it's been awhile.

Since the last update, many a times I have had ideas pop up in my head, like I should blog about this /that. But life seems to get in the way, I have either been too busy or tired.

Today, I finally had the chance to put some thoughts into words. Not because I am on a week's leave and so I have this liberty of time now, but rather, it is the only time I have now, that my son is finally napping at 2pm, having missed his morning nap because "is mommy really staying with me all day??" and the only way I can get him to nap is...a bath. I really wonder how they do it in school.

I have had kinda a shit day to say the least. :( its only 2 days into this leave and my stupid boss texts me to ask me when can I get back to work. Lol, my son is unwell and he needs me. Unless you're suggesting I bring my flu-ey boy to your school with all his germs and spread it there? No I am not coming back till his mc is over, which is till friday, the good doctor has ordered. She is saying how this is affecting her. But I am thinking that I am not paid enough for this. And the things she is asking me to come back to do are really things she can get done on her own. It is obvious she cannot run this pathetic school without me. I am literally running it like a principal when she is not in but not paid nearly enough. The reality of the situation is 1.6k take home pay. Yup, I have put it out there now. Its peanuts for the world to see.

Anyway, this has gotten me all riled up internally and my son somehow could sense it. And he acted out, and I scolded him as he was crying in frustration. And that made me all the more mad at myself. SIGH. Its not his fault at all. I tried to keep it in, but I guess he could sense it in my distraction, when I had to reply my boss when we were in the middle of playing (he hates that I use my phone when interacting with him) , and perhaps my distracted tenseness. He got frustrated probably because he didn't know what's bothering me and why mommy doesn't seem fully interested in playing with me anymore, I would too. I am so sorry, son. If only mommy could be good at one thing, that is just to be your mommy, huh? ;(

Find another job? I did go for an interview but that sent alarm bells ringing throughout because that was one dodgy boss. And the last thing he said I should "focus on motherhood if my drive is not to climb the ladder." It confirmed my thought that all bosses would want me to stay home then.

Maybe I should. And the texts from my ungrateful boss this morning is kinda drilling it in. Maybe I should focus on the home and my son. He can start kindergarten when it is time, like nursery when he is 3 years old. And meanwhile, he attend "Mommy-school" Where he gets one-on-one attention to learn and grow. It is not that his school has been in any way lacking, in fact, it has been excellent and I don't think I can find another school that is as good in this vicinity.

I am struggling and it is kinda depressing. I wish I knew what to do. Working definitely is not the answer. Maybe some moms can but I cannot lead this double life.